her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
