my soul wont recognize me after tonight
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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