I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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