Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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