put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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