I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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