Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
