The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
