Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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