It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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