On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
