You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
