you didnt know i had herpes?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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