in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
