Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
