So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
