Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
