Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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