the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
