I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
