Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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