is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
