I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize