Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
