he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
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