Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
