I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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