I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
