I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
