I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
