I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
