Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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