Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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