***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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