She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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