1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think my vagina is haunted
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
