So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
