i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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