Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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