You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
