I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
