I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
