textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize