dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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