...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
