My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
