That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
