Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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