Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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