How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
