She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
