Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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