Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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