I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
