CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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