Please, let me fuck your mom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
