woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
