Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
