Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
