I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
