I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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