We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
