I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
