I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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