KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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