The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize