They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
