Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
